— Reported, that is. Not awake.
OUR TWO LINES OF BUSINESS
We bring you the President's day exactly as it happens. Naps, grooming, and the zoomies that begin without warning around midnight. Mostly he sleeps. Keep it on while you work, or when sleep won't come.
Your support runs the motorised teaser for 60 seconds. It takes him about three seconds to notice, and another three to mean it.
MOMENTS A CHEER SET IN MOTION
HOW YOUR SUPPORT IS SPENT
Proportions shift from month to month. The medical line is largest in the months it is needed — and we would much rather it stayed small.
That the President may sleep his whole life without a single worry.
That is our only business objective.
FOR THE PRESIDENT'S HEALTH
Article 1 (Operating hours)
The teaser runs between 8:00 and 22:00. Outside those hours the President is resting. Please do not wake him. Meals are accepted around the clock (up to 8 per day; the count resets at midnight Japan time).
Article 2 (Daily meal limit)
Meals are capped each day. Once the cap is reached, cheers are answered with your name and our thanks on the broadcast screen.
Article 3 (The rest room)
His home always includes places the cameras never reach. On days he isn't in the mood, he doesn't appear at all. He is a cat.
Article 4 (Health)
He is under the regular care of a veterinarian. If he is unwell, we do not run the devices.
Supplementary provision: The President has not consented to these rules. (He cannot read.)